Being quietly drawn by the deeper pull of what you truly love

Surrender is a big thing in Ayahuasca, it is key and together with fasting and preparing your mind and heart, we open up and release what ever is needed to be released , so some deep work can be done.

Fighting what is arising in an ayahuasca session you will most definitely have a hard time with your ego and “loose”, the more you are trying to breathe in the present moment, relaxing, letting go, not fighting it, letting happen what needs to happen, the “easier” it becomes.

In my resent ayahuasca experience I felt very prepared on a practical level, had been fasting for three weeks, have had a week prior where I had San Pedro and Bobinsana plant medicine for 4 days, which are opening the heart deeply, so I could step in to ayahuasca more smoothly. When I write about it, I actually can sense ayahuasca and the energy, although I came home start June and have stepped out of my fasting end of June, the work continues.

This time the work went really deep, because I already had been releasing last year, I was told the ayahuasca brew this time was very very strong, after my second cup I regretted I took it…a part of me wanted to go deep, another part of me just wanted to avoid it, questions like “what would arise”, “what did I have to face”…

Ayahuasca is building up momentum, you just know you cannot avoid it or escape it…you are just waiting for whatever is building up and wanting to be released and sometimes you don’t even realize you are in the process of something building up.

In one of the ayahuasca sessions I was in in June, I was pretty annoyed by two other participants having a big ayahuasca party right across the room (I was located in a corner where I felt trapped), the two guys were singing, humming, half dancing, being loud, for me it felt like they were trying” to mimic the Amazonian forrest (and I thought they were idiots) it also felt like they were energizing each other to new levels of what ever they were doing and experiencing…I felt very interrupted in my own process, couldn’t focus, and were out in the room with the other participants and especially with the amazons men in the corner.

I tried to breathe myself through it, but all my senses were heightened and very sensitive which is part of the plant medicine work. I had to leave the room, I just couldn’t stand the two men in front of me, the music, the smells of smoke/sage, the crying from other participants, so I went outside for a while, was sitting in the rain and felt a little relief from everything, but regretted deeply what I was in the middle of and knew it would take hours before the medicine had worked it self through my system. After a while one of the “guys” came outside and was sitting right behind me, I could feel his energy, and didn’t want his energy interferring with mine, he was saying all kinds of sounds(for me he was very noisy), and I had to go in side again, and was trying to resist what was evolving…

My shaman was asking me before I went out if I was okay, I answered yes (the survival me answered yes, actually I was in big need of help, but couldn’t surrender at that point). When I went in again she asked again if I was okay and again I was answering yes (which was part of my habit, dealing with stuff on my own, not asking for help, not knowing how to ask for help), but what I actually did was I felt I needed the help from one specific helper in the team, a guy I talked with in the morning, where we share a good moment sitting on the terrace having our coffee. He was sitting next to the ceremony entrance and because the room was pitch black and I was located in the end of the it I needed help to find back so I could lay down.

When we came to my corner I suddenly felt so fragile, overwhelmed and needed my helper to stay with me, I couldn’t explain what it was, I just really needed him to be around, not talking, just holding my hand, because I was so scared and felt very much alone in that moment…sitting there in the darkness, with him holding my hand felt so strong and safe, its difficult to explain, but the little me, baby me, was sitting there on a madras in the darkness and feeling awful, and not knowing what was going on. (seeing it now afterwards it was how it was for me as a baby and child, being so alone and feeling lost with no help or guidance).

Those who are holding space for you during the session are so important, you have to trust them, find some you feel safe around, because when you are drinking plant medicine you are so out of control, and you need to be surrounded by people who also have went through some proper work of releasing and shedding old things or people who are on their own journey and holding space for you.

I trust my shaman 100%, and the team around her, of course I bond more with some helpers than others, but you never know who you truly need in a session, it comes really natural who you are drawn to, and you often share some mutual life experiences with the ones that step in and help you through your deep work.

My helper helped me so much in that moment so I could stay with what was, and it helped me entering a state where I was purging and vomiting on a big scale, on a physical level you purge all the fluid you have been drinking, (you have been fasting since morning so you dont have much in your stomach) but on an emotional and energetic level you are purging old feelings and energy, life experiences which have been living within you, those which have not being able to be released.

The two “annoying guys” in front of me went silent immediately I started purging, and I felt so relieved from the silence, they had contributed with their input to my process and was actually a big help….

After a lot of purging I could start release the feelings and life experiences beneath, and I was so surprised with was, was going on, I cried loudly for two hours.

I felt I was a little baby crying, sometimes a child, other times a teenager, or a young adult and it became too strong a process for my helper, he was influenced and went in to a process* , so our shaman had to take over and help him and afterwards me. For two hours straight she was holding me my strong wise shaman, offering her hands, stroking my hair, giving me caress and being a very tender, loving “mother”, me laying there in her lap just letting go for the first time, feeling so seen, safe and helped.

*(ayahuasca are connecting us and if a person are having a very strong ayahuasca process it will affect those around the person, because everything is energy, and there are often a theme going on in the whole group).

At the same time the “guys” where sending so much love across the room, it is so interesting how what you assume to be against you actually is a gift in a disguise. I was told afterwards from some of the other participants that when I started crying it kickstarted a series of crying around the room, because they felt my crying was the “mother cry” so the others could release their crying. Ayahuasca is strong and profound.

After so much crying it felt so peaceful and calm, empty, no noise, no story and no survival – I once heard : we dont heal in isolation but in connection. Ayahuasca and other masterplans contain so much wisdom, knowledge and are teaching me so wisely back to my heart in to my soul….

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