Choosing yourself

I think we all know that if you want to help others you need to help yourself first. How do we help ourself?

As children many of us feel loneliness, because our own parents had traumas, unhealed experiences either inherited or gained through their childhood, I think it is so common…

I come from a background with parents which didn’t heal those parts of themselves – I feel very much compassion for them and their background but their unhealed parts also created so many feelings of loneliness, hurt, being unsafe, feeling afraid, so much hurt. The road of helping yourself can be rocky, unclear with a lot of detours, but I have realized that the more I love myself, listen to my own needs and slow down, things become so much easier, and I am able to understand my own needs and to heal.

Despite those difficult circumstances and feelings they are also fuel for our growth, for working out a new path, reaching new levels of a better life, than what you were given, perhaps you have been your own parent, learning and offering yourself all the things you weren’t given.

You may have fought for safety and knowing where you have other people, it takes time to learn we dont have to guess around other people, there is no need of having all the responsibility on our shoulders, and perhaps you have discovered that being you, being appreciated, being able to relax makes life so much easier and better. Aim after Peace, Trust and Love.

Your nervous system is letting you know when you are feeling safe and also helps you with all the things you need. If you are unclear about a relationship ask yourself questions like :

How does my body feel after the meeting? Do I feel bigger or smaller? Calmer or more unsettled? More like myself or more accommodating? Is the other person curious about my life today? Does the person take responsibility for their part of the story? Is there real change, or just familiar chemistry?

Perhaps you need to change asking the question : who wants you, and instead ask who can I build a safe life with. Believe that your needs are important and that you dont want to settle for less.

You are very much worthy of love as you are right now. For many people who have lived with emotional unpredictability – whether during childhood or in relationships later in life – there comes a time when they realize that what they long for is not more emotions, it is more peace. Not because love has become less important, but because they have learned that love without trust and a sense of security is exhausting.

It is not about passion, drama, chemistry, adventure or intensity…it is about that your experience counts. You dont need to argue your case, you dont need to get others to agree. If you feel unsafe, lonely, or constantly responsible in a relationship, that is information you must take serious. That is not the same as closing your heart.

Allow your heart to be accompanied by good judgement. And the two together are often what create relationships where you are not just loved – but also feel safe. Old painful memories are stored not only in our memories but also in our bodies, so we have to work on them at both levels. When we feel something unpleasant in our body the mind is finding familiar feelings, they are not from the now but from our past, we can realize it and do something about it, so our feelings can change and we dont have to go through the same pattern over and over again, it helps us in our decisions ahead.

Choosing yourself many spiritual traditions speak of how we repeat lessons until we learn them. Not as a punishment. But because life keeps showing us the same theme from different angles. My own theme has been to give up on myself in order to maintain a connection with others. It is my whole childhood theme. Despite some of us have shouldered a great deal of responsibility throughout our lifes, and have been good at understanding, forgiving, waiting, holding space, and hoping, I think its very important to understand that we can love another person without abandoning ourself. Trust your own inner knowing, all of it is selflove. You can give yourself everything you need, be there for yourself.

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