Emotional unavailable people often gets attracted to people with a lot of light, like a moth to a flame…how come?

Sometimes light feels safe from a distance.

If you are emotional unavailable you often grew up with an inconsistent or an unpredictable caregiver, you lived in emotional scarcity . So you crave the light and the warmth, the safety, the regulation, the acceptance and the non-threatening, and gets attracted to light and how it makes you feel as if you can breathe again, but the backside of it is you don’t want to feel the vulnerability and the intimacy going along with it, because nobody taught you.

When you are emotional unavailable, the nervous system is unregulated and your avoidant pattern attracts expressive people or people with light so you can learn how to regulate your nervous system. The outcome is you feel desired, seen and alive…but for many too much closeness can also create a threat and flight response.

We are helped when we meet the light or an emotional alive person, because they help us uncover what we suppress ; grief, longing, tenderness and different needs. We all need deep connections, and if you for different reasons don´t allow yourself to become more, to become the version you are longing for, light will illuminate the avoided work which needs to be done. It can feel terrifying and stir up fight and flight responses when we see it in others and they get close.

The moth circles around the flame, comes close, pulls away and comes back again, and this flame and moth analogy creates a push pull dynamic, which can create intense attraction, sudden distance, confusion and highs and lows. The thing is, no one can heal someone who doesn’t choose to be healed, no matter how much light you have. The flame glows steadily, it doesn’t chase, doesn’t dim to accommodate and it burns no matter who comes near.

So being warm and emotional available is powerful and beautiful, but our light need some boundaries otherwise it will be self-sacrifice (been there several several times). A healthy connection is mutual vulnerability, responsibility, consistency and repair after a conflict. There is an energy imbalance if only one person is emotional awake.

If we look at it through a spiritual lens, an emotional unavailable person attracts a person with a lot of light, sometimes its soul activation others times its karmic relationships. The unavailable person gets reminded of who they can be by meeting the light or an open heart, it calls them forward and at the same time expose their shadow. For the light person is not the same as rescuing anyone or the shadow, it is purely meant to illuminate and let each person choose the next step.

This dynamic has been a huge part of my own journey, reflected again and again so I could understand the pattern and grow, both as a healer, but also in my own healing process- so when we walk, when we meet and get triggered in our emotions, when we recognize emotional unavailability in others ask yourself these questions :

• Am I drawn to be the healer?
• Do I feel alive when someone “needs” my light?
• Where do I ignore red flags because I see potential?
• What would it feel like to be chosen – fully and steadily?

Sometimes (in my case) the deeper healing for the “light carrier” is to be attracted to stability instead of intensity. You can stay open without over giving and holding space for everyone you meet, and sometimes ask yourself if you can allow others to hold you. The way you keep your light sacred and offer yourself selflove is to skip chasing, over explaining, rescuing and over functioning.

Your heart is not a public park – its your home, people can enter slowly, respect your space and contribute to its care…matching investment looks like this : when they show up you lean in, when they withdraw you step back, when they communicate you respond, when they go silent you dont chase…openness is not the problem, we just need some boundaries around it, structures around an open heart is good.

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